So one of the most important aspects of sex that gets nowhere near enough attention is communication. We talk sex, we watch sex, we brag and boost...but really we don't truly communicate when it comes to sex. We don't communicate with our intimate partners and we certainly don't talk with our children about it. Yes ...Yes I know there are people and parents who do but the majority do not. I am a big believer in communication, in fact I think it is the cornerstone of a solid relationship in and out of bed. In fact every relationship we have needs to have a foundation in communication, it's the only way it will succeed.
There are 2 points i want to cover today, 1 is communicating about sex with your intimate partner and the other is talking about it with your children.....
We are all unique there are no 2 humans exactly alike ( yes I know of identical twins but keep your panties on) , we may be similar and share traits with family members but ultimately we are unique individuals personality wise. This is both a blessing and a curse in my perspective...because while it opens so many opportunities that are positive, it also creates negative ones. Sex is not just a physiological act, yes there is the physical part and rawwrrrr that's yummy when it's right. But the true joy of sex is in being able to truly share the experience.
Sex is about trust, I mean let's face it sex positions are not the most flattering and leave you very open and vulnerable.
That's what makes being able to communicate your needs, wants and desires freely so critical. Nobody wants to fake orgasms, so it's in both parties best interest to be open and share. This is a true test of a relationship because it means exposing yourself and sharing parts of you that we normally keep hidden. I know I keep coming back to it but we truly do live in an oppressive society when it comes to healthy sex and relationships. We all have inhibitions or parts that we are afraid or insecure about sharing, but for sex to reach full potential you need to be able to tell your partner what you need...want.... share fantasies. together partners can learn and grow so much by exploring and being open to each other and to keeping sex fresh and fun. Be safe, trust yourself and your partner and communicate honestly...
Children and sex.... OMG don't panic I am not that twisted!! By now you may have guessed that I am open and discuss sex freely... and I mention in my profile I have a teenage daughter. So sex and teaching her about it is often on my mind. I believe in early education, right from the time she started talking I was teaching her the proper names of all her parts. In fact when she was about 22 months she went running into Grandpa's house and promptly told Grandpa he was a penis and she was a vagina. Now I laughed myself silly, because I knew that he was having heart failure right then. She was so proud of herself for knowing the difference and Grandpa was horrified. Needless to say I got a lecture about teaching her inappropriate things so young.
It stuck with me as one of my favourite memories both for the humour and for the lesson.
I realized then and there that I needed to be proactive about teaching my child about sex and normal human behaviour. At the time I was teaching her about her parts, I also started talking about masturbation with her. Now don't freak out....it's normal and healthy for children to explore their bodies. They're curious and fascinated and let's face it touching ourselves feels good. When I talked to my youngest about it she told me it tickled and felt funny but good. My response was to tell her yes it does and it's ok to do but we do that when we are in private, like in our bedroom or bathroom.
More recently I discovered that I am not quite as un-shockable as I thought. My 13 yr old and I had a discussion about masturbation again only this time she shared that she knew about accessories and toys that people used (she learned at school) I was so torn between shock and hysterical giggles I could hardly answer her.....btw the giggles won out. I can freely admit that I did not ever expect to hear certain words come out of her mouth before she was 18 at least (I hoped ok?). So now I am in the position of putting up or shutting up, I believe in open communication but can I do that with my own daughter? I sure hope so because I certainly don't want her peers or school health teacher educating my daughter about sex, love and relationships
Monday, 13 June 2011
Saturday, 4 June 2011
The Language of a Kiss
You know for me the first kiss is almost a make or break moment...if he doesn't wow me with it then...sorry but moving on. Does that sound cold? I don't think so, that first kiss can tell you a lot about yourself, your partner and any potential relationship. I mean it's about more than the technique, a kiss is one of the most intimate forms of communication humans have. We use it to express so many emotions... it can be about affection, warmth and caring....it can be about passion, lust and sex....it can be compassionate, comforting and soothing....
For me kissing is a very intimate act, in some ways more so than sex. Because at least in my view you can have sex without any connection other that tab A and Slot B fitting together. Hell you can have sex with someone you don't even like....but a kiss...that's something altogether different. It's how we say "I love you" we express our love to our children, parents, friends and partners with kisses that say those 3 little words. You can say everything to your partner without saying a word with a kiss.
I mentioned last time about my friend who was ...well....Kiss Challenged and I've thought about it a lot and you know I think many of us are. We get so caught up in our lives and in what we believe a kiss should be that we forget to experience the kiss. Do I have bad breath? Is it too much or too little tongue? What about spit? Do I tilt my head or what... Should I take my glasses off? By the time you get through the answers it's over....
So how important is kissing in a relationship? Only about as important as the mortgage or whether we put the cap on the toothpaste... As a society we focus on sexual intercourse as the all important and you know really it's just the final act in a private performance.
So let's talk about performance...
What makes a good kisser?
I did a little research and here's what I came up with...
A kiss starts long before 2 mouths meet....
it starts with the eyes the silent communication this is where you show your intention and interest... where you connect with them and let them know what's on your mind.
Build up to the kiss.... soft intimate touches (and no I don't mean make a dash south of her border) the lightest stroke of your fingers across her cheek, a hand drifting over the back and shoulders... I know right you are thinking WTH? A kiss is lips on lips... but a truly good kisser knows that it's a whole body moment... how you touch them with your eyes, your hands .... your body.... all contributes to whether it's a mediocre kiss or one that leaves them breathless and aching. Use your lips and mouth to your advantage... change up your kiss.. go soft and sweet... nibble or suck their lips....But keep in mind tongue is very important and very personal the whole too much.... too little... when do I use it... do I suck it or stroke it? what about teeth? All important matters of style and technique and I've done the reading best answer I can come up with is practice makes perfect and trial and error is the way you learn.
And don't forget that the mouth isn't the only kissable part of your partner.... explore... kiss on the neck....nibble the ear.... you don't have to always do the missionary kiss...be creative...get to know your partner...find out what makes them melt...and what makes you quiver..
finally the kiss..... BE THERE don't think about your grocery list, or the files on your desk...don't think Am I Doing This Right? Just be there for the experience for the moment..
For me kissing is a very intimate act, in some ways more so than sex. Because at least in my view you can have sex without any connection other that tab A and Slot B fitting together. Hell you can have sex with someone you don't even like....but a kiss...that's something altogether different. It's how we say "I love you" we express our love to our children, parents, friends and partners with kisses that say those 3 little words. You can say everything to your partner without saying a word with a kiss.
I mentioned last time about my friend who was ...well....Kiss Challenged and I've thought about it a lot and you know I think many of us are. We get so caught up in our lives and in what we believe a kiss should be that we forget to experience the kiss. Do I have bad breath? Is it too much or too little tongue? What about spit? Do I tilt my head or what... Should I take my glasses off? By the time you get through the answers it's over....
So how important is kissing in a relationship? Only about as important as the mortgage or whether we put the cap on the toothpaste... As a society we focus on sexual intercourse as the all important and you know really it's just the final act in a private performance.
So let's talk about performance...
What makes a good kisser?
I did a little research and here's what I came up with...
A kiss starts long before 2 mouths meet....
it starts with the eyes the silent communication this is where you show your intention and interest... where you connect with them and let them know what's on your mind.
Build up to the kiss.... soft intimate touches (and no I don't mean make a dash south of her border) the lightest stroke of your fingers across her cheek, a hand drifting over the back and shoulders... I know right you are thinking WTH? A kiss is lips on lips... but a truly good kisser knows that it's a whole body moment... how you touch them with your eyes, your hands .... your body.... all contributes to whether it's a mediocre kiss or one that leaves them breathless and aching. Use your lips and mouth to your advantage... change up your kiss.. go soft and sweet... nibble or suck their lips....But keep in mind tongue is very important and very personal the whole too much.... too little... when do I use it... do I suck it or stroke it? what about teeth? All important matters of style and technique and I've done the reading best answer I can come up with is practice makes perfect and trial and error is the way you learn.
And don't forget that the mouth isn't the only kissable part of your partner.... explore... kiss on the neck....nibble the ear.... you don't have to always do the missionary kiss...be creative...get to know your partner...find out what makes them melt...and what makes you quiver..
finally the kiss..... BE THERE don't think about your grocery list, or the files on your desk...don't think Am I Doing This Right? Just be there for the experience for the moment..
Wednesday, 1 June 2011
If it turns you on....
So if it turns you on how can it be something shameful? The world of fetishes and kink is still a shadowy place. Despite the apparent open and common knowledge of society, it's still considered to be taboo.... We teach our sons and daughters that our bodies and what makes us excited is something to be hidden and suppressed...if it's not missionary it's wrong. Take for example my daughter, now my friends who know me well will tell you that when it comes to sex I am an open book, the more we discuss the better in my view....However, that's not an opinion shared by a lot of my daughter's conservative redneck relatives.... When my girl was about 20 months she excitedly ran into Grandpa's and shouted out to him that he was a penis and she was a vagina...now as I trailed after her I stopped dead hearing this and simply turned around and went the other way.....not because I was embarrassed or upset but because I couldn't contain my laughter at the look of abject horror on Grandpa's face. Well her actions earned me a big ole lecture about how it was inappropriate to teach her so young about her body...and ahem about how touching herself felt good but shouldn't be done in public...after all she's not a boy...;-) ummm seriously? WTF??? Teaching my child the proper names of her parts and teaching her not to be ashamed of herself or her body's natural responses is inappropriate? you are never too young to learn about yourself and about what makes you tick... at least in my opinion anyway....
Well I think that's a load of BS and really sex experts I am sure would agree.... if it floats your boat (assuming it's not illegal and involving children and animals...cuz that's just wrong) then it's not taboo. We are born sexual beings and it's thanks to society, whose stance of oppression along with the cultural/familial conditioning we are taught to suppress our nature.
But I am ranting and a little off point... lol but hey it's my blog so I can do that.... but back to what I wanted to write about....I think like all things we humans do, sex is unique....like a fingerprint in some ways.
Ya ya, don't get your panties in a twist, I am quite aware of the sex basics insert tab A into slot B and all.... But what I am talking about is more personal than the 10 mins of bumping uglies. I am talking about what is it that makes a woman wet..... what are the things that drive her so wild she'll jump you like a 50% off sale at Macy's.
It only makes sense to me that what turns us on is going to be as individual as who we are. Take me for instance, while I love dirty talk as much as the next woman or man....what kind of talk really makes me melt? Geek Speak....yes I said Geek Speak... and what I mean is someone who knows their stuff who can talk their trade, who utilizes their smarts to the fullest and can make a conversation that lasts hours about bits n bytes or facts n figures.. Tech speak is delicious in my book, you can use all the naughty talk you want (and trust me it works too but there's a time and a place for it and it's not at dinner with your partner's boss).
It's all in the tongue action... another popular turn on for millions of women and men (myself included) is oral play .... but there are probably just as many people who don't. Within those preferences are all sorts of sub-preferences ....like some women prefer to spit rather than swallow.... or men who love getting oral but don't like giving (and let me just say ..I think it's utterly selfish to want oral and not be a willing equal participant... let me tell you if i am going to get down there on my knees my partner better be ready, willing and able to return the gesture or else), I've talked with couples who like oral but have serious hygiene issues and won't kiss, touch or continue till they've brushed, rinsed and swished.
While oral is an obvious turn on or off, like being an exhibitionist, a furry, etc... there are seemingly endless categories... but even still there are subtitles of what excites us. For some it can be a certain touch, visual stimulus like porn or even seeing others PDA (public display of affection....Personally one of the things that turns me on is laughter... I am ticklish so sex is always a giggle fest (and no men do not take it as an affront to your manhood sheesh it just is what it is)but sex and all the parts in it in my opinion at least should be fun and involve giggles and play....
For example, a friend asked me once if kissing was supposed to turn her on.... I remember looking at her like she was on crack or something... I was like ummm seriously? And she proceeded to tell me how she was so careful when she kissed her guy... she made sure she used the techniques she practiced etc....
I admit it I started to laugh...she got mad but I said look...if a man is kissing you and you can think about technique and whether your head is in the right place or if you have enough tongue than someone is doing it wrong...Kissing should leave you breathless, it should make you ache and your body tingle...hell if they're really good kissing can even bring a woman to orgasm... now to be fair she didn't have a lot of experience and was very earnest in her questions, but the fine art of kissing can't be taught with words, it's all about the practice practice practice....and about knowing yourself and what you like and don't like....
So what turns you on? is it kisses and touches....is it a paddle n cuffs? What makes you ache so bad you need to touch yourself or them? And the next question is does what turns you on get amplified by having an emotional..spiritual...mental....relationship and bond....is what you feel enhanced by being with someone you are connected with?
I can honestly say that while certain things turn me on, it's like scoring that bag you've had your eye on at Macy's for half off.... Having someone I am connected with turn me on is like fireworks on the First of July...
tell me what do you think about turn ons ...offs ... and the bigger question is how do you deal with what makes you tingle... Do you accept it and honour it or do you hide it and fight it like a shameful secret? Society has taught us the fine art of hypocritical behaviour when it comes to sex.... we want it ....we sell it ....it's everywhere we are, but society still tells us women who are sexual and confident are bad girls and men ...well we just expect them to be whores....that's what they do...
for me Kink is one of the things that makes sex a joy not a job....
Well I think that's a load of BS and really sex experts I am sure would agree.... if it floats your boat (assuming it's not illegal and involving children and animals...cuz that's just wrong) then it's not taboo. We are born sexual beings and it's thanks to society, whose stance of oppression along with the cultural/familial conditioning we are taught to suppress our nature.
But I am ranting and a little off point... lol but hey it's my blog so I can do that.... but back to what I wanted to write about....I think like all things we humans do, sex is unique....like a fingerprint in some ways.
Ya ya, don't get your panties in a twist, I am quite aware of the sex basics insert tab A into slot B and all.... But what I am talking about is more personal than the 10 mins of bumping uglies. I am talking about what is it that makes a woman wet..... what are the things that drive her so wild she'll jump you like a 50% off sale at Macy's.
It only makes sense to me that what turns us on is going to be as individual as who we are. Take me for instance, while I love dirty talk as much as the next woman or man....what kind of talk really makes me melt? Geek Speak....yes I said Geek Speak... and what I mean is someone who knows their stuff who can talk their trade, who utilizes their smarts to the fullest and can make a conversation that lasts hours about bits n bytes or facts n figures.. Tech speak is delicious in my book, you can use all the naughty talk you want (and trust me it works too but there's a time and a place for it and it's not at dinner with your partner's boss).
It's all in the tongue action... another popular turn on for millions of women and men (myself included) is oral play .... but there are probably just as many people who don't. Within those preferences are all sorts of sub-preferences ....like some women prefer to spit rather than swallow.... or men who love getting oral but don't like giving (and let me just say ..I think it's utterly selfish to want oral and not be a willing equal participant... let me tell you if i am going to get down there on my knees my partner better be ready, willing and able to return the gesture or else), I've talked with couples who like oral but have serious hygiene issues and won't kiss, touch or continue till they've brushed, rinsed and swished.
While oral is an obvious turn on or off, like being an exhibitionist, a furry, etc... there are seemingly endless categories... but even still there are subtitles of what excites us. For some it can be a certain touch, visual stimulus like porn or even seeing others PDA (public display of affection....Personally one of the things that turns me on is laughter... I am ticklish so sex is always a giggle fest (and no men do not take it as an affront to your manhood sheesh it just is what it is)but sex and all the parts in it in my opinion at least should be fun and involve giggles and play....
For example, a friend asked me once if kissing was supposed to turn her on.... I remember looking at her like she was on crack or something... I was like ummm seriously? And she proceeded to tell me how she was so careful when she kissed her guy... she made sure she used the techniques she practiced etc....
I admit it I started to laugh...she got mad but I said look...if a man is kissing you and you can think about technique and whether your head is in the right place or if you have enough tongue than someone is doing it wrong...Kissing should leave you breathless, it should make you ache and your body tingle...hell if they're really good kissing can even bring a woman to orgasm... now to be fair she didn't have a lot of experience and was very earnest in her questions, but the fine art of kissing can't be taught with words, it's all about the practice practice practice....and about knowing yourself and what you like and don't like....
So what turns you on? is it kisses and touches....is it a paddle n cuffs? What makes you ache so bad you need to touch yourself or them? And the next question is does what turns you on get amplified by having an emotional..spiritual...mental....relationship and bond....is what you feel enhanced by being with someone you are connected with?
I can honestly say that while certain things turn me on, it's like scoring that bag you've had your eye on at Macy's for half off.... Having someone I am connected with turn me on is like fireworks on the First of July...
tell me what do you think about turn ons ...offs ... and the bigger question is how do you deal with what makes you tingle... Do you accept it and honour it or do you hide it and fight it like a shameful secret? Society has taught us the fine art of hypocritical behaviour when it comes to sex.... we want it ....we sell it ....it's everywhere we are, but society still tells us women who are sexual and confident are bad girls and men ...well we just expect them to be whores....that's what they do...
for me Kink is one of the things that makes sex a joy not a job....
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