So one of the most important aspects of sex that gets nowhere near enough attention is communication. We talk sex, we watch sex, we brag and boost...but really we don't truly communicate when it comes to sex. We don't communicate with our intimate partners and we certainly don't talk with our children about it. Yes ...Yes I know there are people and parents who do but the majority do not. I am a big believer in communication, in fact I think it is the cornerstone of a solid relationship in and out of bed. In fact every relationship we have needs to have a foundation in communication, it's the only way it will succeed.
There are 2 points i want to cover today, 1 is communicating about sex with your intimate partner and the other is talking about it with your children.....
We are all unique there are no 2 humans exactly alike ( yes I know of identical twins but keep your panties on) , we may be similar and share traits with family members but ultimately we are unique individuals personality wise. This is both a blessing and a curse in my perspective...because while it opens so many opportunities that are positive, it also creates negative ones. Sex is not just a physiological act, yes there is the physical part and rawwrrrr that's yummy when it's right. But the true joy of sex is in being able to truly share the experience.
Sex is about trust, I mean let's face it sex positions are not the most flattering and leave you very open and vulnerable.
That's what makes being able to communicate your needs, wants and desires freely so critical. Nobody wants to fake orgasms, so it's in both parties best interest to be open and share. This is a true test of a relationship because it means exposing yourself and sharing parts of you that we normally keep hidden. I know I keep coming back to it but we truly do live in an oppressive society when it comes to healthy sex and relationships. We all have inhibitions or parts that we are afraid or insecure about sharing, but for sex to reach full potential you need to be able to tell your partner what you need...want.... share fantasies. together partners can learn and grow so much by exploring and being open to each other and to keeping sex fresh and fun. Be safe, trust yourself and your partner and communicate honestly...
Children and sex.... OMG don't panic I am not that twisted!! By now you may have guessed that I am open and discuss sex freely... and I mention in my profile I have a teenage daughter. So sex and teaching her about it is often on my mind. I believe in early education, right from the time she started talking I was teaching her the proper names of all her parts. In fact when she was about 22 months she went running into Grandpa's house and promptly told Grandpa he was a penis and she was a vagina. Now I laughed myself silly, because I knew that he was having heart failure right then. She was so proud of herself for knowing the difference and Grandpa was horrified. Needless to say I got a lecture about teaching her inappropriate things so young.
It stuck with me as one of my favourite memories both for the humour and for the lesson.
I realized then and there that I needed to be proactive about teaching my child about sex and normal human behaviour. At the time I was teaching her about her parts, I also started talking about masturbation with her. Now don't freak out....it's normal and healthy for children to explore their bodies. They're curious and fascinated and let's face it touching ourselves feels good. When I talked to my youngest about it she told me it tickled and felt funny but good. My response was to tell her yes it does and it's ok to do but we do that when we are in private, like in our bedroom or bathroom.
More recently I discovered that I am not quite as un-shockable as I thought. My 13 yr old and I had a discussion about masturbation again only this time she shared that she knew about accessories and toys that people used (she learned at school) I was so torn between shock and hysterical giggles I could hardly answer her.....btw the giggles won out. I can freely admit that I did not ever expect to hear certain words come out of her mouth before she was 18 at least (I hoped ok?). So now I am in the position of putting up or shutting up, I believe in open communication but can I do that with my own daughter? I sure hope so because I certainly don't want her peers or school health teacher educating my daughter about sex, love and relationships
Well Lira..you can tell all kinds of stuff about sex and she is still going to learn from outside sources....We all do...and we also do a lot of exploring on our own and even people who are extremely close to parents may not feel comfortable discussing sex and choose to turn to peers instead
ReplyDeleteAnd I understand that there will always be external forces contributing to her education; however, I can also do my job and make sure that the bulk of her learning and the fundamentals I believe are important come from me. I think it depends on the relationship and trust between parent and child, and if i handle it right then she will feel able to talk to me about anything that comes up.
ReplyDeleteLira I agree with Scarlett...I think this is a bit naive...Children even the most open rarely want to discuss these things with parents...my son for instance is very open and has a better understanding than most 15 yr olds as he knows his mom was an exotic dancer and his father is a whore (that doesnt get paid) yet he gets extremely uncomfortable about any such talks and will excuse himself from the conversation after a bit. He knows he can come to either of us but he rarely will...we have had an open style of education on the topic since he was very young and he knows he can.
ReplyDeleteI think that it is very individualized, for instance my daughter tells me everything, she comes home from school and asks me if things are true or whether this or that really works. Sex and all the "taboo"type topics are frequently discussed in our home because I firmly believe that the more you share the safer and healthier they will be. I've had moments where I was uncomfortable with her questions (like her asking if I was going to have sex with the guy I had been seeing) but it's a small price for showing her and teaching her with an open heart and mind.
ReplyDeleteBut I have a friend whose daughter won't talk to her parents about sex, life, and the whole puberty thing but she comes and talks to me. I made sure I spoke with the parents and they were ok with me discussing such topics with their child but for her talking to her parents was too uncomfortable.